|
A SAFE PLACE TO LAND
By Sarah Bragg My oldest daughter is 10, and for the past year and a half, she spends most of her free time at the farm. She has always had a great affinity for horses. When she isn’t riding, she’s working at the farm— cleaning stalls, catching horses in the field, or bathing them. Normally, she’s all smiles after the farm. But recently, I arrived to pick her up, and as she sat down in the car, she broke down in tears. The work had been hard. She had to oil saddles for over two hours. It had to be redone and took up all her time—which meant no time to ride. I think it was a combination of exhaustion, disappointment, and embarrassment. Unmet expectations at any age can sometimes leave us in tears. I normally don’t handle emotions well. I like to breeze right on past them with quick fixes. And often times, I’m running at full speed between work obligations and family needs. So I’m not usually in a place to sit still with their emotions. But for once, I was in a restful, ready place to meet her sadness with gentleness. Handling your child’s emotions isn’t easy, and it is most definitely exhausting and never convenient. But in that moment, she needed a safe place to land. No fixing. Just safety. Gentleness. So, she sat in the seat beside me and cried. And I sat in the seat beside her and listened and offered empathy. And then when we arrived home, I sat with her while she ate dinner late. And then instead of homework, we played a few rounds of the game, “Speed.” That night as we said goodnight, I asked her the question I’ve been asking each night: “What are you thankful for? What made you happy today?” Her usual answer involved a horse, but this time she thought about it for a minute. And then she looked at me and said, “You.” It wasn’t a trite answer. It wasn’t a generic answer. I knew it was true. That night, I showed up. I gave her what she needed from me. I gave her a gentle place to land. When we give our kids our presence, we are choosing to be a gentle place for them to land. Because here’s what I know to be true: You can’t multitask presence. You can’t be thinking about your agenda while trying to comfort a child. It never works well. You can’t prevent your children from feeling disappointed, sad, embarrassed or exhausted; but you can show up in those moments and be fully present, and safe. For more blog posts and parenting resources, visit: ParentCue.org
0 Comments
YOUR PRESCHOOLER DOESN’T HAVE TO “LIKE” IT
By Jennifer Walker Several years ago, my family helped an African family of six assimilate into American culture so they could pursue their studies. Interestingly, the hardest adjustment for them was not electricity, driving laws, or the weather, but the constant question, “Do you like this?” One night, we were gently reminded of something valuable: There is freedom that comes with permission to NOT have to ‘like’ everything. To this family, it didn’t matter what they liked or didn’t like as long as they accomplished what they set out to do. You may not be hosting a family from a foreign country, but how many times did you feel that your preschooler had to “like” the way things were done that day? From putting on a winter coat to having a “nap opportunity” that they desperately needed (that you desperately needed!). As parents, we constantly struggle with the pressure of making sure everyone likes every decision we make, and that can be exhausting. The truth is, if we can teach our kids how to face the things they do not like, we prepare them to experience more out of life. We prepare them to push through the hard things to get to the good things. To do the things that don’t feel good in the moment but that are good in the long run. And along the way it helps them to know how to be gracious, patient, and kind. What to say: “You don’t have to like it but you still have to do it.” What to do: Carry on even if they do not like it. The non-optional events of life happen anyway. We do not have to “convince” them to like it all. The nap ensues, the meal happens, the five-point car seat restraint is secured. And then in your mind, as you may be fielding a hundred toddler questions, a tantrum or a “sit in,” pray: “God, please show me Your will and give me the strength to keep that in place even when I know my kids may not like it in the moment.” Although it may not seem like it at the time, they will appreciate being given permission not to “like” everything in life but to know how to do it anyways. And, as a parent, that gives you permission to not have to please everyone all the time. For more blog posts and parenting resources, visit: ParentCue.org STORIES THAT TEACH FORGIVENESS
By Dan Scott Forgiveness can be hard. We all have this tendency to hold our hurt and carry it around like a weight in a backpack. We just keep piling in those hurts, until we bend and break beneath the weight of our bitterness. Even as adults, this is something we’re prone to do. No matter how we try, forgiveness doesn’t seem to be our natural instinct. Imagine how difficult it must be for our kids. They’re just learning to grapple with the emotions associated with hurt. Friends can be fickle. Hurt people hurt people. And our kids are left aching from the hurt yet unable to process what they’re feeling and find the path towards forgiveness. As parents, we try and help them see how forgiveness will free them from the additional hurt that comes. But kids are often too close to the situation to see any other option than letting the bitterness sink in making way for revenge to take over. And so, our words fail us and we need some help. Thankfully, we have stories. Stories over time give us a perspective on life we can’t see on our own. Forgiveness is one of those areas where stories can offer a perspective for you and your kids to discover a pathway out of the pain to find a place where you can let go of that bitterness backpack you’ve been carrying around. Here are several ideas for where to start with stories that teach the idea of forgiveness for preschool and lower elementary kids, check these books out: I Love My New Toy! - Mo Willems No, David! - David Shannon We All Need Forgiveness - Mercer Mayer Will You Forgive Me? - Sally Grindley and Penn Dan The Berenstain Bears and the Forgiving Tree - Jan and Mike Berenstain The Forgiveness Garden - Lauren Thompson and Christy Hale Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse - Kevin Henkes I Am Extremely Absolutely Boiling - Luren Child (Charlie and Lola Book) Enemy Pie - Derek Munson For more blog posts and parenting resources, visit: ParentCue.org THE ART OF DISCIPLINE
By Gina McClain Shepherding the hearts of our kids is one of those daily behaviors that does more to refine and challenge me than anything else in my life. In my interactions with my kids, God reveals more to me about my own humanity than I care to know. Particularly in disciplinary situations. One thing I’ve learned about kids is that I cannot control their actions. There are times when I try. There are times I guide, nudge, remind, even harass... yet, in the end, they decide what action they will take. Not me. I don’t know about you, but that really gets under my skin. It’s something I have to actively submit to the Father asking Him for guidance and patience. Recently I was reminded of these words in Ephesians 4:29: “Don’t say anything that would hurt [another person]. Instead, speak only what is good so that you can give help wherever it is needed. That way, what you say will help those who hear you.” (GWT) It’s a timely reminder for me that my role as mom is to Fight for the Heart of my kids, to create a culture of unconditional love in my home that fuels their emotional and moral health. Approaching discipline in a way that is helpful takes practice, planning and patience. 1. I need to practice they way that I talk to my kids. That means that through my everyday interactions I need to habitually speak words that are helpful to them. It’s easier to do this in positive interactions than negative. However, if I fail to speak helpful words in a positive interaction, it’s guaranteed I won’t speak them in a negative interaction. 2. Good discipline is preceded by good planning. If my child makes the wrong decision, what are the consequences? Do my kids know those consequences? There have been times we’ve sent a child to their room letting them know, “We’re going to think about the right consequences for your action. In a little while we’ll sit down with you and talk through them.” 3. Patience is critical when fighting for the heart of a child. Why? Because kids are going to make mistakes. And my ability to be patient with their mistakes communicates an unconditional love to them. They need a safe place to mess up and know that they are capable of doing better the next time. Patience is a discipline I continue to wrestle down. I’m inherently impatient. Which of these are harder for you? For more blog posts and parenting resources, visit: ParentCue.org CATCH THEM DOING IT RIGHT
By Reggie Joiner As parents, sometimes we are so busy focusing on correcting negative behavior that we forget to acknowledge the things our kids are doing right. But reinforcing the positive behavior we see in our kids is usually a much more effective way to steer them the right direction. And it goes a long way in fighting for their hearts. Here are a few tips: Be Specific It’s easy to say something general to a kid like, “you have a great attitude.” But when a compliment is too general, it doesn’t mean as much. Kids want to know you care enough about them to notice specific things they do. So take the time to point out something that is definitive, especially if you hope they will repeat it. Acknowledge Effort Look for ways to praise kids for improving in an area or because they worked hard at something. When you encourage effort or determination, you are helping them build a strong work ethic. When you compliment your kids for things they really didn’t do, you run the risk of creating an inflated ego. Establish a Pattern I know a mom who used dinnertime once a week to tell her kids something positive she had noticed in them that week. Her son secretly told me it was his favorite time of the week. That’s because most of us crave affirmation at some level. Sometimes it helps to establish routine times when you know you will have a consistent opportunity to affirm your kids. Stretch Your Vocabulary Words are more powerful than most people imagine. So what we say to our kids over time really does matter. Here are a few phrases to get you started. You have really improved . . . (encourage them to keep growing.) I love the way you . . . (it will encourage them to celebrate their uniqueness.) I noticed how you . . . (It will encourage them to demonstrate character.) Thank you for . . . (It will encourage them to express gratitude.) I can tell how hard you worked...(It will encourage them to develop responsibility) I bet one day you will . . . (It will encourage them to find hope.) I like hanging out with you because . . . (It will encourage the to value relationship.) You have helped me learn . . . (It will encourage them to show respect.) For more blog posts and parenting resources, visit: ParentCue.org LOVE ON DISPLAY
By Sarah Anderson Growing up, I had one of those old blue rectangular Kodak cameras with the orange “point and shoot” button. It came everywhere with me—including a trip my family took to Disney World. While there, I captured an image I still have a copy of. As we exited the park, I watched as my parents—oblivious to our watching— took each other’s hands. At eleven years old, even I understood—I was witnessing magic. That was worth capturing. So, I snapped a picture. Two actually. It may sound unremarkable. A small display of affection that caught a kid’s attention. But I think what I tried to memorialize represented more than a husband and wife stealing moments of warmth under their children’s watch. To me, it was a stabilizer. It was a security. It was a chance to exhale a sigh of relief. “There is something right in the world,” it told me. Love was on display. I am one of the lucky ones—privy to purposeful displays of love between my parents, observing a good marriage—and ultimately witnessing Jesus in the midst. But my parent’s 40-year marriage isn’t typical these days—the storybook plotline of familial bliss is more rare than common But I also know this. All hope is not lost. Though family circumstances may be less than ideal, our potential to display something big—for the sake of our kids and in the lives of our kids-- is not diminished. Though our families may look different, though the dream of what we wanted to be may be a far cry from where we currently are, there is an achievable end for every one of us—and by extension, our kids. Love—intentional, directed, consistent love. We don’t have to have perfect circumstances, relationships, marriage, or kids for love to show up and for love to matter. The world is watching—but also and always, our kids are watching. What if we gave them something to watch? To marvel at? To be intrigued by? To be inspired to imitate? What if our love on display matters more than we ever thought? More than our dysfunction? Disappointment? Disenchantment? Because we never know who’s observing, desperate for a picture of something good. Something real. Something magic. In your commitment to display love, you may give someone— especially those you share a roof with—the opportunity to snap a mental picture of you—and give them Jesus in the process. For more blog posts and parenting resources, visit: ParentCue.org FOUR QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE TALKING TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT RACISM
By Parent Cue As parents, we have an incredible opportunity to promote racial reconciliation through the influence we have on our kids—who are watching, listening, and taking it all in. As you think about how to talk to your kids about the realities of racism, we encourage you to ask yourself a few questions: 1. What are your feelings about the issue? In order to have honest conversations with our kids, we need to be honest with ourselves. Check your heart and your thoughts. Be sure to take a step back and identify how you might need to change in your prejudices and in your interactions with others. Reflect on what it really means to love those whom God loves, and unrelentingly pursue forgiveness and reconciliation. 2. Do you celebrate diversity? Some parents may be tempted to try to teach their kids to be blind to color, to shy away from acknowledging differences or just ignore them altogether. But the truth is that we are all very different in the way God made us—in our skin color, in our genetic makeup, and in our culture. And that’s something to be celebrated, not ignored. Do you model the belief with your words and actions that God made each of us unique and beautiful even in our differences? Do you demonstrate respect towards those you disagree with? How diverse is your circle of friends and the people you associate with? How can you widen that circle for your family? 3. Are you talking about racism? Racism is a difficult and sensitive topic, but it does exist, often in the form of subtle comments and prejudice, but sometimes it’s outright hatred and violence. Not talking about it doesn’t make it go away. Discover the truth from various outlets and seek to understand other perspectives. When you find the right words that honestly and respectfully express how you think and feel, choose your words carefully. Then talk to your kids so you can equip them with the values and the words they will need to respect, celebrate, and stand up for those who are being discriminated against. 4. Are you focused on love? It’s important to talk to your kids about how your family can respond to racism in a positive way. As you navigate these important conversations, focus on what matters most: LOVE. Put love into action, and rest in the hope that is found there. For more blog posts and parenting resources, visit: ParentCue.org GET TO KNOW THEM ALL OVER AGAIN
By Carey Nieuwhof I have two sons. Two sons, two realities: One loves music. The other loves sports. One loves conversation. The other is a man of few words. They both like camping. My thinking went this way: of course I know them. They’re my sons. But then I lived a few years longer. And so did they. And I realized that as they’ve grown up, they’ve done more than just add years. They’ve added depth to who they are. Complexity. Nuance. In fact, I find that the older they get, the more I realize I have yet to learn about the person God’s creating. There are things about my boys I’m still discovering, aspects of their character and personality that are yet to be unearthed or explored. And it’s wonderful. And you know what bridges the gap between what you know and what you want to know? Time. Love over time is what makes relationship deeper. The gap between what we know and what we don’t know creates wonder, awe, and respect. Respect for who they are. Respect for what God is doing. If you really want to get to know your family, spend a greater quantity of quality time together. Learn about who they are becoming. Observe what they like and don’t like. Ask them questions, or maybe . . . just listen. Listen a lot. When you do, you’ll discover: • The things you’re supposed to know that no one tells you. • The things you’re supposed to know, but that can change at any minute because they have the right to change them. • The things you’re not supposed to know because they think it’s none of your business. • The parts of their personality that they themselves are still discovering. And one more thing will happen. By the way you invest time getting to know your kids, they’ll see that you love them. Love over time communicates value. So this week, spend some time getting to know your family. To really know them. Because there is always so much left to discover. For more blog posts and parenting resources, visit: ParentCue.org THEY MYTH OF THE PERFECT KID By Tim Walker
We parents are an emotional, neurotic mess, aren’t we? Sure, some of us are better at hiding it than others, but push the right button or confront the right issue, and every one of us comes to a point when we feel . . . helpless. Clueless. Lost. We thought we knew so much. But there comes a point when we’re not quite sure how to navigate as parents. We know we’re not perfect, just ask our kids. So why do we expect our kids to be perfect? Before you shake your head and say “not me,” think about this: Do you ever see them fail? Maybe your toddler starts pitching a fit because he wants another cookie. Or you find out your daughter is being mean to another girl in her class. Every kid will fail at some point. Why? Because they’re not perfect. They will do something we don’t want them to do. Or they will not measure up. Or they will make the wrong choice. Let’s face it. Sometimes our little angels are less than angelic. Do you ever expect more of your kids than what is age-appropriate? Would you expect your three-month-old infant to be potty trained? Your 12-year- old to know how to drive a car? When it comes to my kids, my first reaction is “you should know better.” And sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they don’t have the life experience to know what to do in a situation. Or they’ve never been taught. Sometimes they just simply don’t know. Your kids are in process. You are too. Do you ever encourage them to be more perfect than real? Is your family a place where doubt can exist? Or opinions? Do our kids feel like they need to put up a front with us? Are we communicating to our kids with our words or actions that what they believe right now (which is in process, remember) isn’t as important as what we believe? Because if we don’t give them space to doubt or question, belief may never become something that is internal, or personal to them. As a parent, you know you’re not perfect. You’re aware of where you fall short. But the reality is your kids aren’t either. Let them be human. Let them be in process. Guide them. Direct them. Instruct them. But also realize that sometimes they will act their age, and show their humanity. For more blog posts and parenting resources, visit: ParentCue.org ENTITLED PARENTS
By Carey Nieuwhof It’s one thing to work on helping your kids fight an attitude of entitlement, but let’s face it, to some extent, they learn the behavior from us. If that’s true, what can you do to fight entitlement in your own life? The more you live out the values you want to see in your kids, the better chance your kids have of living that out, too. It’s so critical we combat entitlement because entitlement kills our ability to experience two critical things in life: gratitude and joy. None of us would sign up our kids to live their lives without gratitude or joy, yet it’s surprising how many adults live without either. Entitlement does that. First, entitled people are never grateful people. If you believe you have something coming to you, it’s hard to receive it as a gift, a bonus, an unexpected benefit or even a surprise. Second, entitled people experience very little joy. Because gratitude is absent, so is delight. It’s so very hard to find pleasure in what you have because you had it coming to you, Here are three things that have helped me fight entitlement when I feel it creeping in: 1. Decide that no one owes you anything. No one owes you a job. No one owes you love or respect. No one owes you kindness. In fact, God doesn’t owe you anything. Instead, start to see everything that comes to you as a gift. You will cherish and value all of those things and especially your relationships much more deeply. 2. Be generous. Entitled people don’t share well. In fact, they hoard. Giving money away and sharing the things you have can help break the back of greed and the idea that you deserve everything that’s come your way. 3. Hold what you have loosely. I regularly remind myself that all the work I do, the relationships I have, and my possessions are a privilege and a trust given to me by God and other people around me. And if they are taken away, that is fine, because I will have what matters most: a deep relationship with God and the people closest to me. Holding things loosely reminds me that they are on loan, and not entirely deserved. These three things help me combat entitlement in my own heart as a parent. I hope that as my kids see me battle entitlement in my life, it helps them battle it in theirs. How about you? For more blog posts and parenting resources, visit: ParentCue.org |
Archives
March 2020
Categories |
RSS Feed